Boys & Sex

Starred review from October 28, 2019
Journalist Orenstein (Girls & Sex) talks with high school– and college-age boys and men about sex in this candid and fascinating portrait of young American masculinity. Conducting more than 100 interviews with males ages 16–22 throughout America, Orenstein shares a narrative of “toxic masculinity”—exemplified by emotional suppression, casual homophobia, and bragging about sexual conquests—and unveils a “historically unprecedented” availability—and habitual watching—of porn, with boys beginning to watch it as early as sixth grade. The damaging effects of this trend are reflected in misconceptions about women, and also result in boys who are unprepared for real-life relationships. Orenstein’s scope is wide, as she delves into the lives of gay and transgender boys and men and interviews young black men at predominantly white schools who stringently follow the rules of “consent,” wary of severe punishment for any hint of improper behavior. Among other conclusions, the author demands that parents “get over it” and talk openly with their kids about sex and intimacy. The #MeToo movement, she asserts, is not only a chance for girls to expose sexual misconduct, but also an opportunity to raise boys up to be compassionate, responsible men. Expertly written and sometimes disturbing, but always informative, Orenstein’s latest is a valuable reference for parents of teenage boys and young men.

November 15, 2019
Candid information on what boys really think and do when it comes to sex. After spending more than two decades examining the lives of girls, Orenstein (Girls & Sex, 2016, etc.) realized that "if I truly wanted to help promote safer, more enjoyable, more egalitarian, more humane sexual relationships among young people, I needed to go back into their world and have the other half of the conversation." Boys and parents of boys will thank the author for her work as she shares the complex sexual world she discovered via interviews with more than 100 young men, psychologists, and other experts. She exposes the trashy locker-room talk prevalent in athletic circles and how it is difficult for boys to speak up against such behavior for fear of losing their own place in the male world. She gives graphic, sometimes unsettling descriptions of boys and their consumption of pornography, which many use as their only source of information on what a sexual relationship should entail. Orenstein also shares numerous stories about boys realizing their inappropriate behavior with girls, and she chronicles how, even while they feel shame and regret, they may still avoid self-criticism in order to fit in with their peers. The author is inclusive in her study, portraying the experiences of a wide variety of boys, including people of color and gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals. Orenstein effectively covers the issue of consent and includes stories of men who have been aggressively forced into sex by girls, and she also shows how girls can damage a boy's reputation by sharing specific details of an unsuccessful sexual encounter. Ultimately, the author's research opens up a welcome forum for exploring "a hunger for more guidance about growing up, hooking up, and finding love in a new era." A highly constructive analysis that provides many topics for exploration and discussion by parents and others who interact with boys.

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January 24, 2020

With Girls and Sex, Orenstein presented a powerful glimpse into the lives of teenage girls, with an adept mix of personal connection, theoretical acumen, and action-based advice. This new work begins with a similar promise: By interviewing young men and collecting data for two years, Orenstein developed insights into her subjects' ideas of masculinity and how society can steer young men away from misogynistic patterns. Orenstein ably unpacks how boys are impacted when men in positions of authority allow for microaggressions and misconduct to persist. Throughout her research, the author built trusting relationships with interviewees of varied racial, ethnic, gender, and sexual identities. However, white, upper-middle-class men receive much of the attention, and issues of socioeconomic class are not touched on. Orenstein concludes with a call to action that requires first, redefining masculinity and second, individualized strategies for talking early and often to boys about sexuality, envisioning a new paradigm that seems impossibly out of reach yet also aspirational owing to many moving exchanges with her subjects.

VERDICT A thought-provoking read for all interested in gender studies.--Emily Bowles, Univ. of Wisconsin, Madison

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